Some mornings I wake up and hear a familiar voice.
I am certain I hear a sound.
Distant, but familiar.
And it’s scary how much familiarity I still hold of it.
I thought and believed time wiped out much of it, but no.
By the looks of it, none of it has gone.
Probably, some mornings, I just choose not to listen.
Growing up, I think I have always carried a weight of anxieties over my shoulder. I worry about the simplest of things, about school, friends, family, but mostly about what I want to do. Or how can I be able to what I want to do. Or should I do what I want to do. Well, I guess you can already get a glimpse of how anxious I am about my dreams/goals in life seeing that I even argue with myself about what my problem is.
Kids like me, who think alot all the time, love to escape through time. It’s easier that way sometimes, although in my better judgment, I am only prolonging agonies and anxieties to be buried in me. And the longer I turn my head away from them, the deeper they are rooted into my system. I know. But, I’m just a kid who’s starting in life so you can tell how everything is so new to me. Even after college. Because, I am aware that college has shown what is only a fraction of the reality that is ahead of me. So I escape. From time to time. Through fiction. I find stories to read, to watch, to hear. I look for those parallel universe where kids find joy in the simplest things despite difficulties, where kids get to achieve their dreams through hard work. And these days, to me, it’s easier to find encouragement from screenplays. Because you get to see the end game in their story line, sooner than expected. The happy ending that there is we’re meant to believe in. Don’t get me wrong, I know the limits to a fairy tale story about having a happy ending. It’s just that, fiction stories have an incredible way of telling people we’ll get to have our moment. No, let me rephrase that. Fiction stories have an incredible way of reminding us that we have our moments. It’s a matter of how we see things – focusing our lenses on the right direction.
So I make some time to hide and escape through fiction. I slide away from reality a little, then I go back to finding my focus in the real world.
I can’t be sorry for coming off with a strong personality.
I can’t be sorry for learning how to stand for myself.
I can’t be sorry for being aloof at first meeting, or even at second.
I can’t be sorry for taking a step back from someone who has wronged me.
I can’t be sorry for being happy, even if it is too hard to be happy.
I can’t be sorry for making someone cry – not because they are the ones to shed the tears mean to say that I am the bad guy.
I can’t be sorry for being who I am now.
And truth is, you should not be wondering why.
After all, everything I did, everything that happened to, everyone I have met, everyone I know, everyone that did something for me, everyone I did something for, and all things that mattered to me, all things that mattered to the people that mattered to me, made me who I am today.
At any point of our lives, there will come a time when we’ll feel insecure and unworthy. We’ll start to see more of other people’s achievements and even their goals, sometimes to the point that we set their achievements as our goals and their goals as our future plans. We tend to believe that what makes other people happy can make us feel contented of ours, as if there’s a written logic that says that.
Not knowing what you want makes it more inevitable to look at how other people get to live to do what they love to do. I’m not certain if this is general to all of us but, when I’m asked to do something but don’t know how to, I look for an example. Math problem. Research paper. Theories. I need examples and references for those. And when you’re new to something and are still in the learning process, it’s hard to deviate from the pattern. I would tend to copy the same process the example says. Because that’s easy. Because that’s the safest thing to begin with. Isn’t it?
And could that be wrong? To try to live the way other’s do? To try and know whether that was right or wrong? But how do we know what we want if we’re trying to live our lives based off other’s? I believe you’ll feel that along the way. You’ll understand that however hard you try to put your effort into it, it would not be enough. Because it’s not what you want. So I guess, it’s in the process of not knowing and just trying to live by that you’ll find what is valuable to you. That even if we take the easy and convenient way at first, we’ll still find ourselves uncomfortable of where we are, and home is still not home until we do our best to find our own thing. That even if there are examples and patterns, we will deviate from those because we want something different. And from there, we’ll begin to see ourselves more and clearer. One day, we’ll be more welcoming of who we see when we stand in front of the mirror, relaxed and at home.
Life’s not about who can figure it first, so don’t race on it.
One basic rule nobody says in the company but should generally be followed is that you should always respect your workmates. Always. No matter how small or big a role anyone is playing, the level of respect should not be varied or limited in any aspect. More especially to those who are good at what they do.
Professionalism lies not only in the capabilities or qualifications of a person; it is in the way you carry yourself and the way you handle your job without getting the in the way of other’s. Character confirms your credentials and it will take you farther, faster to the position you are eyeing for.
The job description is only a fraction of what would make you want to stay in the company. Work is also about being a part of the team. How you work with others or how others work with you may define the length of your service to the institution. Either way, it is still about knowing how to communicate with the people around you. And that is with proper manners and with ample amount of respect.