There are lot of things I am looking forward to this 2017; one of those is completing my degree, aka probably the turning point of my life.
This year, I am set to graduate by early June. Although before that happens, I have to cap off my feasibility study, Certification Review and 15 more units of classes. Along the way, I’m probably facing a few or so mental breakdowns but I am pretty sure it’s worth it. While I have faced so much emotional and physical strains from all the past requirements, I have gained more than what I lost.
I am one of those 20 year olds who aren’t sure where they’re going or what they’re going to do after college but, still, I hope I get the diploma. It’s risky and scary to get out of the place that became home to you. After all the years you’ve been there, stayed there for all the good and the bad, with all the professors and random classmates, it’s become a place of comfort.
School in general has played a great role in shaping me to become the person I am today. While there are a lot of other factors that contribute to that, I should point out that school is where I met a lot of people, who in a way or more have brought the best out of me. It’s where I was opened to what kind of society I was living in and shall try to survive. It’s prepared me for the real deal that I have yet to make in the next chapters of my life. In it, I was young yet capable to become more and more. In it, I was raw but also a work in progress.
In 2017, I am hoping that all the things I have learned and gone through the past years will pay off.
Some people find comfort in music. Some even treat it as companion; as they say, when no one else is there to listen, music makes it easier to stay quiet but still be so loud.
I believe people who are so in love with music feel all different kinds of emotions. Because there’s so much a song can speak; the people who knows how to listen can feel everything the lyrics says. It’s incredibly amazing how the melody expresses what the words convey. It holds so much yet it transpires hundreds of messages to thousands of other people.
Music. Simple, complicated and delicate. Like feelings and moments. It’s ironic how some say they have hard time putting into words how they feel, and then makes music out of it. I guess that’s the magic and beauty of it. Songs allow you to say the things you can never say out directly. You can story-tell as much as you want and still keep bits and pieces to yourself. Making it way more comfortable and pleasant to hear than rants or vents or sighs.
Song. It has no definite meaning. It can have so much story. It all depends on who listens to it.
Be someone’s melody and make your words be its lyrics.
You can make time for the things you want in life. No matter how difficult it may seem to find some space in your schedule, you will be able to squeeze in a few minutes for what you love. Really. Sometimes it’s almost impossible, but I think when you truly truly want something, you can because you will make some time.
This is what I realized for the past days. I have been working on my thesis and I started to realize I haven’t given much time for the org which I signed up for at the start of the semester. It’s never easy to balance things on your hands. It’s hard to put some more food on a full plate. But, when you take a step back and really look at what you have, you will realize you can pull down a few portions from your plate and make some space for the other things that also matter. It’s not about priorities anymore. It’s about what things you want to work out with. It’s about holding on to the things you don’t want to lose. It’s about taking responsibility of the things you have to take care of. I mean nothing’s ever easy, so why sacrifice some along the way?
Treasure all the things you want, you need in your life. Don’t let pressure or disappointments or greed come over success and let that ruin the meaning of life.
When you start to become positive, when you start to think you are capable of juggling two or three things between your hands, you will feel even better. Knowing that you’re there making it work instead of losing pieces of you along with the chances you choose not to take care of.
That previous post was a little cut short. I don’t know if you got the clear picture. I mentioned about college happening and that changing me back to who I was before. You see I’m now in my fifth and last year in college and during the first semester of my first year, I had a rough start. At least not with academics. I was bad with making friends. I don’t how to keep a conversation going. It takes time for me to talk and trust people before I open up to them. It’s when people tell me their stories that it gets to start to be comfortable. So eventually, by the second semester, I was able to adjust and blend in. That went on, I was doing okay, better actually until recently.
It seems I wasn’t very close with most of the girls from my block mates. You see, I’m in an engineering department, which is composed mostly of guys. So, it just happened that my circle of friends was a little more with guys than girls. And, we’re having a one week Field Trip together as a class. Rooms are to be shared in groups of 4 (all girls) and I have no one who wants to share the room with me. At least that’s how I feel. I’m boring to them; as I said on my previous post, everyone seems to have a different sense of fun from the one I know.
I’m a little clouded right now and I don’t know why. It must be the hormones of a young adult who’s dealing with countless hours for feasibility studies with the sight of graduation getting closer and closer. It must be the stress, the pressure. I’m a little down and it’s sad that I feel this way right now. Ha. Who’s being silent about emotions again? I guess I must be desperate to feel good to choose this place as an outlet.
I need to learn how to keep my circle have open spaces for new people, without forgetting all the ones who deserve to always be on the orbit. I know that they say you’ll have many temporary people in your life, and have the real ones stay. I say it’s for us to decide what and when that happens.
Silent. This is how I have always been since when I was younger. I have always been silent about how I feel. About how I truly feel. There are things I can express. Like how I hate the way my hair looks that day, or if I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Or if I’m too bored to listen to hours and hours of lectures which cost so much that I would regret not understanding later on. These are shallow rants, meaningless emotions. These are not feelings. They are simply situations that need our reactions or responses. For me, these are the simple things that people define us with. People from the outside of the circle. When in truth, the way we react to things are only the symptoms of our raw feelings. High school came and I found people who accepted the character I have. Although I still don’t tell my friends how I feel, I learned to share some things with them. And the thing is, they listen. That’s enough for me, and enough for them to understand and figure out how I am inside.
But, what about being silent? Is it so wrong to keep everything in and digest the rage or happiness on our own? Ha. I know what you’re thinking. That maybe I am the introverted kid who sits alone in the corner in every single one of her classes because she doesn’t have friends. Poor kid. But, that isn’t exactly who I am. Introvert, yes. Maybe. But, loner? I don’t think so. I go along with people; I chat and laugh and have fun. And then college happened. I don’t seem to be good at starting anew. Especially with making new friends. Everyone seems to have a different sense of ‘fun’ from the one I know. Every time, I try to adjust myself to be in the group without totally giving up who I am as a person. But, it just doesn’t click. Sometimes, when you keep trying and then you keep on failing, it gets tiring. So I started to be silent about my emotions. Again.
I guess, I’d have to stop right here for now. I think you’ve pretty much figured how I feel at this point. So, I’ll just get back when I get better. If you’re still reading me, thank you. You’ve listened to my spiel and that’s enough for me. Thanks.
Silence is a scream from the inside that comes out of your mouth as a sigh.