At any point of our lives, there will come a time when we’ll feel insecure and unworthy. We’ll start to see more of other people’s achievements and even their goals, sometimes to the point that we set their achievements as our goals and their goals as our future plans. We tend to believe that what makes other people happy can make us feel contented of ours, as if there’s a written logic that says that.
Not knowing what you want makes it more inevitable to look at how other people get to live to do what they love to do. I’m not certain if this is general to all of us but, when I’m asked to do something but don’t know how to, I look for an example. Math problem. Research paper. Theories. I need examples and references for those. And when you’re new to something and are still in the learning process, it’s hard to deviate from the pattern. I would tend to copy the same process the example says. Because that’s easy. Because that’s the safest thing to begin with. Isn’t it?
And could that be wrong? To try to live the way other’s do? To try and know whether that was right or wrong? But how do we know what we want if we’re trying to live our lives based off other’s? I believe you’ll feel that along the way. You’ll understand that however hard you try to put your effort into it, it would not be enough. Because it’s not what you want. So I guess, it’s in the process of not knowing and just trying to live by that you’ll find what is valuable to you. That even if we take the easy and convenient way at first, we’ll still find ourselves uncomfortable of where we are, and home is still not home until we do our best to find our own thing. That even if there are examples and patterns, we will deviate from those because we want something different. And from there, we’ll begin to see ourselves more and clearer. One day, we’ll be more welcoming of who we see when we stand in front of the mirror, relaxed and at home.
Life’s not about who can figure it first, so don’t race on it.
I have only heard it a couple of times, that some days you’ll just wake up and want to cry. Today’s the first for me. Maybe a part of it is because of the weather; the cold wind could be bringing such weird emotions. I have been frustrated the past months about academics, with all the pressure that’s surfacing around the air. I got over it, or so I thought, during the holidays. I was able to take a step back and just relax for a while. During those times I was able to reflect of what I’ve been doing lately, both in the academics and my involvements in school. Having listed in my head those realizations, I have found things I am proud of, while there are some that I just need to move on from. That was my thought a month ago, before school started the second semester.
Now I am here, back to step 1. Confronting my down sides and enumerating my faults. I didn’t know I could be so frustrating. I woke up this morning and just felt like I needed to cry. I attended my only class for the day and we were dismissed an hour earlier. I found the chance to quickly run the errands for the activity we’re holding for tomorrow. I was still feeling down so I just decided to attend the 12 noon mass in our school chapel, and also because I have the time anyway. It’s funny because every time I go there, I always have these questions to ask to Him. I had 10 minutes before the mass started so I wrote them, my questions. About everything I wanted an answer with. Then the mass started. I stopped writing and just listened, in hopes of hearing what I need to hear, whatever it may be. And in some ways, I guess I’ve got an answer.
Maybe He made it possible that I had an early off from class just so I could attend the mass and hear the words that I need to understand. Today I was reminded of the things I have already learned before but forgotten, all because I’m being so hard on myself. The thing about our frustrations in life is that we are the only answer to it. We are the only ones capable to cure ourselves. I wouldn’t say it’s easy. I wouldn’t say there’s fast way to it. But, we are and our will to change our perspective are the answer.
Yes, I am one of those who waited for him to come back after a year. Waited for the date and time. And then the clock ticks and he posts his two very beautiful gifts to us Sheerios! Yay! I listened to the Castle on the Hill first and to be completely honest, I was smiling like crazy the whole time I was listening to it. Deep down I know the song’s going to sound sad and nostalgic after a few replay but right then I was just happy to hear it. I was enjoying it’s beat and calm embrace to my mood. The wait and anticipation has made me ecstatic to hear the first play of the music
Castle on the Hill reminds me of the friends I had since when I was young and naive. Those were the people who welcomed me to be part of their circle even though we had nothing better to do but be together. Those friends from my childhood and teenage years saw me despite me being quite the ‘invisible’ girl in class. And even though I’ve only kept in touch to one or two of my elementary friends, I will always remember the moments that we played and tagged along each other, because they were happy moments. And to those friends I met in highschool, we still meet from time to time to catch up, because they will always deserve a space in my life. Castle on the Hill makes you remember both good and bad parts of your early years; as long as it’s with friends, those were memorable and meaningful happenings. It tells you that it doesn’t matter how much time we’ve wasted or used for nothing, because everything and everyone took part of what made you who you are today. And after all, no matter how far the travel is, we all still can’t wait to go home and revisit the wonderfultimes.
When you get tired, look back on what makes You who You are today.
There are lot of things I am looking forward to this 2017; one of those is completing my degree, aka probably the turning point of my life.
This year, I am set to graduate by early June. Although before that happens, I have to cap off my feasibility study, Certification Review and 15 more units of classes. Along the way, I’m probably facing a few or so mental breakdowns but I am pretty sure it’s worth it. While I have faced so much emotional and physical strains from all the past requirements, I have gained more than what I lost.
I am one of those 20 year olds who aren’t sure where they’re going or what they’re going to do after college but, still, I hope I get the diploma. It’s risky and scary to get out of the place that became home to you. After all the years you’ve been there, stayed there for all the good and the bad, with all the professors and random classmates, it’s become a place of comfort.
School in general has played a great role in shaping me to become the person I am today. While there are a lot of other factors that contribute to that, I should point out that school is where I met a lot of people, who in a way or more have brought the best out of me. It’s where I was opened to what kind of society I was living in and shall try to survive. It’s prepared me for the real deal that I have yet to make in the next chapters of my life. In it, I was young yet capable to become more and more. In it, I was raw but also a work in progress.
In 2017, I am hoping that all the things I have learned and gone through the past years will pay off.
You can make time for the things you want in life. No matter how difficult it may seem to find some space in your schedule, you will be able to squeeze in a few minutes for what you love. Really. Sometimes it’s almost impossible, but I think when you truly truly want something, you can because you will make some time.
This is what I realized for the past days. I have been working on my thesis and I started to realize I haven’t given much time for the org which I signed up for at the start of the semester. It’s never easy to balance things on your hands. It’s hard to put some more food on a full plate. But, when you take a step back and really look at what you have, you will realize you can pull down a few portions from your plate and make some space for the other things that also matter. It’s not about priorities anymore. It’s about what things you want to work out with. It’s about holding on to the things you don’t want to lose. It’s about taking responsibility of the things you have to take care of. I mean nothing’s ever easy, so why sacrifice some along the way?
Treasure all the things you want, you need in your life. Don’t let pressure or disappointments or greed come over success and let that ruin the meaning of life.
When you start to become positive, when you start to think you are capable of juggling two or three things between your hands, you will feel even better. Knowing that you’re there making it work instead of losing pieces of you along with the chances you choose not to take care of.