The struggle in what ifs is undeniable; in most instances, what ifs are inevitably bothersome. What makes it even more of a trouble is the fact that it is unavoidable. To some extent, there is no point in trying to leave it out of the situation. What ifs come naturally as if it’s the main character of the story. What a queen.
My question is why? Why is it like that? Why do we question the situation, our options, the results that aren’t even there yet? Is it the lack of confidence? Fear? Or are we simply being realistic about life? That we prepare ourselves to the alternative in the event that whatever it is that we’re hoping for doesn’t happen?
I have only heard it a couple of times, that some days you’ll just wake up and want to cry. Today’s the first for me. Maybe a part of it is because of the weather; the cold wind could be bringing such weird emotions. I have been frustrated the past months about academics, with all the pressure that’s surfacing around the air. I got over it, or so I thought, during the holidays. I was able to take a step back and just relax for a while. During those times I was able to reflect of what I’ve been doing lately, both in the academics and my involvements in school. Having listed in my head those realizations, I have found things I am proud of, while there are some that I just need to move on from. That was my thought a month ago, before school started the second semester.
Now I am here, back to step 1. Confronting my down sides and enumerating my faults. I didn’t know I could be so frustrating. I woke up this morning and just felt like I needed to cry. I attended my only class for the day and we were dismissed an hour earlier. I found the chance to quickly run the errands for the activity we’re holding for tomorrow. I was still feeling down so I just decided to attend the 12 noon mass in our school chapel, and also because I have the time anyway. It’s funny because every time I go there, I always have these questions to ask to Him. I had 10 minutes before the mass started so I wrote them, my questions. About everything I wanted an answer with. Then the mass started. I stopped writing and just listened, in hopes of hearing what I need to hear, whatever it may be. And in some ways, I guess I’ve got an answer.
Maybe He made it possible that I had an early off from class just so I could attend the mass and hear the words that I need to understand. Today I was reminded of the things I have already learned before but forgotten, all because I’m being so hard on myself. The thing about our frustrations in life is that we are the only answer to it. We are the only ones capable to cure ourselves. I wouldn’t say it’s easy. I wouldn’t say there’s fast way to it. But, we are and our will to change our perspective are the answer.
Yes, I am one of those who waited for him to come back after a year. Waited for the date and time. And then the clock ticks and he posts his two very beautiful gifts to us Sheerios! Yay! I listened to the Castle on the Hill first and to be completely honest, I was smiling like crazy the whole time I was listening to it. Deep down I know the song’s going to sound sad and nostalgic after a few replay but right then I was just happy to hear it. I was enjoying it’s beat and calm embrace to my mood. The wait and anticipation has made me ecstatic to hear the first play of the music
Castle on the Hill reminds me of the friends I had since when I was young and naive. Those were the people who welcomed me to be part of their circle even though we had nothing better to do but be together. Those friends from my childhood and teenage years saw me despite me being quite the ‘invisible’ girl in class. And even though I’ve only kept in touch to one or two of my elementary friends, I will always remember the moments that we played and tagged along each other, because they were happy moments. And to those friends I met in highschool, we still meet from time to time to catch up, because they will always deserve a space in my life. Castle on the Hill makes you remember both good and bad parts of your early years; as long as it’s with friends, those were memorable and meaningful happenings. It tells you that it doesn’t matter how much time we’ve wasted or used for nothing, because everything and everyone took part of what made you who you are today. And after all, no matter how far the travel is, we all still can’t wait to go home and revisit the wonderfultimes.
When you get tired, look back on what makes You who You are today.
There are lot of things I am looking forward to this 2017; one of those is completing my degree, aka probably the turning point of my life.
This year, I am set to graduate by early June. Although before that happens, I have to cap off my feasibility study, Certification Review and 15 more units of classes. Along the way, I’m probably facing a few or so mental breakdowns but I am pretty sure it’s worth it. While I have faced so much emotional and physical strains from all the past requirements, I have gained more than what I lost.
I am one of those 20 year olds who aren’t sure where they’re going or what they’re going to do after college but, still, I hope I get the diploma. It’s risky and scary to get out of the place that became home to you. After all the years you’ve been there, stayed there for all the good and the bad, with all the professors and random classmates, it’s become a place of comfort.
School in general has played a great role in shaping me to become the person I am today. While there are a lot of other factors that contribute to that, I should point out that school is where I met a lot of people, who in a way or more have brought the best out of me. It’s where I was opened to what kind of society I was living in and shall try to survive. It’s prepared me for the real deal that I have yet to make in the next chapters of my life. In it, I was young yet capable to become more and more. In it, I was raw but also a work in progress.
In 2017, I am hoping that all the things I have learned and gone through the past years will pay off.
Some people find comfort in music. Some even treat it as companion; as they say, when no one else is there to listen, music makes it easier to stay quiet but still be so loud.
I believe people who are so in love with music feel all different kinds of emotions. Because there’s so much a song can speak; the people who knows how to listen can feel everything the lyrics says. It’s incredibly amazing how the melody expresses what the words convey. It holds so much yet it transpires hundreds of messages to thousands of other people.
Music. Simple, complicated and delicate. Like feelings and moments. It’s ironic how some say they have hard time putting into words how they feel, and then makes music out of it. I guess that’s the magic and beauty of it. Songs allow you to say the things you can never say out directly. You can story-tell as much as you want and still keep bits and pieces to yourself. Making it way more comfortable and pleasant to hear than rants or vents or sighs.
Song. It has no definite meaning. It can have so much story. It all depends on who listens to it.
Be someone’s melody and make your words be its lyrics.