I have only heard it a couple of times, that some days you’ll just wake up and want to cry. Today’s the first for me. Maybe a part of it is because of the weather; the cold wind could be bringing such weird emotions. I have been frustrated the past months about academics, with all the pressure that’s surfacing around the air. I got over it, or so I thought, during the holidays. I was able to take a step back and just relax for a while. During those times I was able to reflect of what I’ve been doing lately, both in the academics and my involvements in school. Having listed in my head those realizations, I have found things I am proud of, while there are some that I just need to move on from. That was my thought a month ago, before school started the second semester.
Now I am here, back to step 1. Confronting my down sides and enumerating my faults. I didn’t know I could be so frustrating. I woke up this morning and just felt like I needed to cry. I attended my only class for the day and we were dismissed an hour earlier. I found the chance to quickly run the errands for the activity we’re holding for tomorrow. I was still feeling down so I just decided to attend the 12 noon mass in our school chapel, and also because I have the time anyway. It’s funny because every time I go there, I always have these questions to ask to Him. I had 10 minutes before the mass started so I wrote them, my questions. About everything I wanted an answer with. Then the mass started. I stopped writing and just listened, in hopes of hearing what I need to hear, whatever it may be. And in some ways, I guess I’ve got an answer.
Maybe He made it possible that I had an early off from class just so I could attend the mass and hear the words that I need to understand. Today I was reminded of the things I have already learned before but forgotten, all because I’m being so hard on myself. The thing about our frustrations in life is that we are the only answer to it. We are the only ones capable to cure ourselves. I wouldn’t say it’s easy. I wouldn’t say there’s fast way to it. But, we are and our will to change our perspective are the answer.
There are lot of things I am looking forward to this 2017; one of those is completing my degree, aka probably the turning point of my life.
This year, I am set to graduate by early June. Although before that happens, I have to cap off my feasibility study, Certification Review and 15 more units of classes. Along the way, I’m probably facing a few or so mental breakdowns but I am pretty sure it’s worth it. While I have faced so much emotional and physical strains from all the past requirements, I have gained more than what I lost.
I am one of those 20 year olds who aren’t sure where they’re going or what they’re going to do after college but, still, I hope I get the diploma. It’s risky and scary to get out of the place that became home to you. After all the years you’ve been there, stayed there for all the good and the bad, with all the professors and random classmates, it’s become a place of comfort.
School in general has played a great role in shaping me to become the person I am today. While there are a lot of other factors that contribute to that, I should point out that school is where I met a lot of people, who in a way or more have brought the best out of me. It’s where I was opened to what kind of society I was living in and shall try to survive. It’s prepared me for the real deal that I have yet to make in the next chapters of my life. In it, I was young yet capable to become more and more. In it, I was raw but also a work in progress.
In 2017, I am hoping that all the things I have learned and gone through the past years will pay off.
Silent. This is how I have always been since when I was younger. I have always been silent about how I feel. About how I truly feel. There are things I can express. Like how I hate the way my hair looks that day, or if I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Or if I’m too bored to listen to hours and hours of lectures which cost so much that I would regret not understanding later on. These are shallow rants, meaningless emotions. These are not feelings. They are simply situations that need our reactions or responses. For me, these are the simple things that people define us with. People from the outside of the circle. When in truth, the way we react to things are only the symptoms of our raw feelings. High school came and I found people who accepted the character I have. Although I still don’t tell my friends how I feel, I learned to share some things with them. And the thing is, they listen. That’s enough for me, and enough for them to understand and figure out how I am inside.
But, what about being silent? Is it so wrong to keep everything in and digest the rage or happiness on our own? Ha. I know what you’re thinking. That maybe I am the introverted kid who sits alone in the corner in every single one of her classes because she doesn’t have friends. Poor kid. But, that isn’t exactly who I am. Introvert, yes. Maybe. But, loner? I don’t think so. I go along with people; I chat and laugh and have fun. And then college happened. I don’t seem to be good at starting anew. Especially with making new friends. Everyone seems to have a different sense of ‘fun’ from the one I know. Every time, I try to adjust myself to be in the group without totally giving up who I am as a person. But, it just doesn’t click. Sometimes, when you keep trying and then you keep on failing, it gets tiring. So I started to be silent about my emotions. Again.
I guess, I’d have to stop right here for now. I think you’ve pretty much figured how I feel at this point. So, I’ll just get back when I get better. If you’re still reading me, thank you. You’ve listened to my spiel and that’s enough for me. Thanks.
Silence is a scream from the inside that comes out of your mouth as a sigh.
There is a fine line between living a simple life and a happy life. Some people say they’re fine with easy-living, with day-in day-out of routinary work. There is no problem with that, for as long as you are happy and satisfied. In fact, it’s great for them to know that they can be joyful of the little things and be contented at the same time. This isn’t to say that those who can’t be completely happy with small things are irrational or ambitious or over-achiever. I would like to just point out that even though we all want the same thing, which is happiness, that doesn’t mean we have the same ways of attaining it. We may want the same product, but we don’t have the same values or multipliers.
Simple, extravagant, adventurous, grand. It doesn’t matter what you pick. It’s your choice. And it’s important that we choose the one that would color our life in the way that we want the final picture to turn out. But, I believe there will also be times when we think we know for sure what we want and actually go for it, only to find out it doesn’t make us happy. I hope that we don’t regret those moments; because if we didn’t try, we would have never known it wasn’t meant for us.
It can also be important that we let the aftermath of our choices lead us to discovering new things about ourselves. Which in a way says that our life and our choices are the biggest trial and error of all. And that maybe we are learning these math problem solving methods for actual life decision making situations. For me, that would be the ultimate plot twist.
Paint a picture of your future. Absorb it. Live for it. Achieve it. Then, we discover what happiness is.
Six days from now, freedom will be taken away once again. It’ll all be back to the usual cramming, research papers, exams, deadlines and professors. Anyhow, I’m excited how this coming term will turn out since I have signed up to a couple of organizations. This is to celebrate my last year in college (hopefully). I wish I could tell you more about it but I guess this year is going to be really exhausting. But, I shall say that it’s also very interesting to welcome my senior year with an unusual mix of optimism and cynicism. I guess I’m weird like that.