What Do I Want to Do?

At any point of our lives, there will come a time when we’ll feel insecure and unworthy.  We’ll start to see more of other people’s achievements and even their goals, sometimes to the point that we set their achievements as our goals and their goals as our future plans.  We tend to believe that what makes other people happy can make us feel contented of ours, as if there’s a written logic that says that.

Not knowing what you want makes it more inevitable to look at how other people get to live to do what they love to do.  I’m not certain if this is general to all of us but, when I’m asked to do something but don’t know how to, I look for an example.  Math problem. Research paper. Theories.  I need examples and references for those.  And when you’re new to something and are still in the learning process, it’s hard to deviate from the pattern.  I would tend to copy the same process the example says.  Because that’s easy.  Because that’s the safest thing to begin with.  Isn’t it?

And could that be wrong? To try to live the way other’s do? To try and know whether that was right or wrong? But how do we know what we want if we’re trying to live our lives based off other’s?  I believe you’ll feel that along the way.  You’ll understand that however hard you try to put your effort into it, it would not be enough.  Because it’s not what you want.  So I guess, it’s in the process of not knowing and just trying to live by that you’ll find what is valuable to you.  That even if we take the easy and convenient way at first, we’ll still find ourselves uncomfortable of where we are, and home is still not home until we do our best to find our own thing.  That even if there are examples and patterns, we will deviate from those because we want something different.  And from there, we’ll begin to see ourselves more and clearer.  One day, we’ll be more welcoming of who we see when we stand in front of the mirror, relaxed and at home.

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Life’s not about who can figure it first, so don’t race on it.


Ed Sheeran’s Castle On The Hill! (Pt. 1)

Yes, I am one of those who waited for him to come back after a year.  Waited for the date and time.  And then the clock ticks and he posts his two very beautiful gifts to us Sheerios! Yay! I listened to the Castle on the Hill first and to be completely honest, I was smiling like crazy the whole time I was listening to it.  Deep down I know the song’s going to sound sad and nostalgic after a few replay but right then I was just happy to hear it.  I was enjoying it’s beat and calm embrace to my mood.  The wait and anticipation has made me ecstatic to hear the first play of the music

Castle on the Hill reminds me of the friends I had since when I was young and naive.  Those were the people who welcomed me to be part of their circle even though we had nothing better to do but be together.  Those friends from my childhood and teenage years saw me despite me being quite the ‘invisible’ girl in class.  And even though I’ve only kept in touch to one or two of my elementary friends, I will always remember the moments that we played and tagged along each other, because they were happy moments.  And to those friends I met in highschool, we still meet from time to time to catch up, because they will always deserve a space in my life. Castle on the Hill makes you remember both good and bad parts of your early years; as long as it’s with friends, those were memorable and meaningful happenings.  It tells you that it doesn’t matter how much time we’ve wasted or used for nothing, because everything and everyone took part of what made you who you are today.  And after all, no matter how far the travel is, we all still can’t wait to go home and revisit the wonderful times.

When you get tired, look back on what makes You who You are today.

What Do I Do? (Part B)

What Do I Do? (Part A)

That previous post was a little cut short.  I don’t know if you got the clear picture.  I mentioned about college happening and that changing me back to who I was before.  You see I’m now in my fifth and last year in college and during the first semester of my first year, I had a rough start.  At least not with academics.  I was bad with making friends.  I don’t how to keep a conversation going.  It takes time for me to talk and trust people before I open up to them.  It’s when people tell me their stories that it gets to start to be comfortable.  So eventually, by the second semester, I was able to adjust and blend in.  That went on, I was doing okay, better actually until recently.

It seems I wasn’t very close with most of the girls from my block mates.  You see, I’m in an engineering department, which is composed mostly of guys.  So, it just happened that my circle of friends was a little more with guys than girls.  And, we’re having a one week Field Trip together as a class.  Rooms are to be shared in groups of 4 (all girls) and I have no one who wants to share the room with me.  At least that’s how I feel.  I’m boring to them; as I said on my previous post, everyone seems to have a different sense of fun from the one I know.

I’m a little clouded right now and I don’t know why.  It must be the hormones of a young adult who’s dealing with countless hours for feasibility studies with the sight of graduation getting closer and closer.  It must be the stress, the pressure.  I’m a little down and it’s sad that I feel this way right now.  Ha.  Who’s being silent about emotions again? I guess I must be desperate to feel good to choose this place as an outlet.

I need to learn how to keep my circle have open spaces for new people, without forgetting all the ones who deserve to always be on the orbit.  I know that they say you’ll have many temporary people in your life, and have the real ones stay.  I say it’s for us to decide what and when that happens.

What Do I Do? (Part A)

via Daily Prompt: Silence

            Silent.  This is how I have always been since when I was younger.  I have always been silent about how I feel.  About how I truly feel.  There are things I can express.  Like how I hate the way my hair looks that day, or if I wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  Or if I’m too bored to listen to hours and hours of lectures which cost so much that I would regret not understanding later on.  These are shallow rants, meaningless emotions.  These are not feelings.  They are simply situations that need our reactions or responses.  For me, these are the simple things that people define us with.  People from the outside of the circle.  When in truth, the way we react to things are only the symptoms of our raw feelings.   High school came and I found people who accepted the character I have.  Although I still don’t tell my friends how I feel, I learned to share some things with them.  And the thing is, they listen.  That’s enough for me, and enough for them to understand and figure out how I am inside.

           But, what about being silent? Is it so wrong to keep everything in and digest the rage or happiness on our own?  Ha.  I know what you’re thinking.  That maybe I am the introverted kid who sits alone in the corner in every single one of her classes because she doesn’t have friends.  Poor kid.  But, that isn’t exactly who I am.  Introvert, yes.  Maybe.  But, loner? I don’t think so.  I go along with people; I chat and laugh and have fun.  And then college happened.  I don’t seem to be good at starting anew.  Especially with making new friends.  Everyone seems to have a different sense of ‘fun’ from the one I know.  Every time, I try to adjust myself to be in the group without totally giving up who I am as a person.  But, it just doesn’t click.  Sometimes, when you keep trying and then you keep on failing, it gets tiring.  So I started to be silent about my emotions. Again.

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         I guess, I’d have to stop right here for now.  I think you’ve pretty much figured how I feel at this point.  So, I’ll just get back when I get better.  If you’re still reading me, thank you.  You’ve listened to my spiel and that’s enough for me.  Thanks.

Silence is a scream from the inside that comes out of your mouth as a sigh.

Blue Skies and Vivid Colors

It’s a matter of perspective.  How many times have we ever heard this line?  Perspective.  Are people saying when we feel down about something or about life in general, there is something wrong in the way we perceive things?  Maybe.

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When our emotions are heightened, don’t we all think a little differently?  I think this is why someone said to wait until after 12 minutes before saying anything more. When you’re feelings have subsided then, ask yourself, does what happened minutes ago still matter to you? If yes, spend the next couple of minutes thinking of the right words to speak.  If no, then I guess it means to just let it go.  Or you could always have a talk with someone who’s got your back.  Your ever reliable friend.  Sometimes, it helps to have someone paint you the picture from outside the frame; because they probably have the better sight of the situation.

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Either someone’s or yours, right perspective is important.  It determines your action.  Your next move.  And you want your every move to lead to a success.  However you define success, that is.  Choose the perspective that will keep you motivated, inspired.  That way even in the darkest days, you can still see the bluest skies.

Our lives are painted with technicolors.  Can you see it? 
I hope you do.