At any point of our lives, there will come a time when we’ll feel insecure and unworthy. We’ll start to see more of other people’s achievements and even their goals, sometimes to the point that we set their achievements as our goals and their goals as our future plans. We tend to believe that what makes other people happy can make us feel contented of ours, as if there’s a written logic that says that.
Not knowing what you want makes it more inevitable to look at how other people get to live to do what they love to do. I’m not certain if this is general to all of us but, when I’m asked to do something but don’t know how to, I look for an example. Math problem. Research paper. Theories. I need examples and references for those. And when you’re new to something and are still in the learning process, it’s hard to deviate from the pattern. I would tend to copy the same process the example says. Because that’s easy. Because that’s the safest thing to begin with. Isn’t it?
And could that be wrong? To try to live the way other’s do? To try and know whether that was right or wrong? But how do we know what we want if we’re trying to live our lives based off other’s? I believe you’ll feel that along the way. You’ll understand that however hard you try to put your effort into it, it would not be enough. Because it’s not what you want. So I guess, it’s in the process of not knowing and just trying to live by that you’ll find what is valuable to you. That even if we take the easy and convenient way at first, we’ll still find ourselves uncomfortable of where we are, and home is still not home until we do our best to find our own thing. That even if there are examples and patterns, we will deviate from those because we want something different. And from there, we’ll begin to see ourselves more and clearer. One day, we’ll be more welcoming of who we see when we stand in front of the mirror, relaxed and at home.
Life’s not about who can figure it first, so don’t race on it.
The struggle in what ifs is undeniable; in most instances, what ifs are inevitably bothersome. What makes it even more of a trouble is the fact that it is unavoidable. To some extent, there is no point in trying to leave it out of the situation. What ifs come naturally as if it’s the main character of the story. What a queen.
My question is why? Why is it like that? Why do we question the situation, our options, the results that aren’t even there yet? Is it the lack of confidence? Fear? Or are we simply being realistic about life? That we prepare ourselves to the alternative in the event that whatever it is that we’re hoping for doesn’t happen?
People are the hardest to recognize; minus the name and the physical attributes, if you really think about it sometimes, people could be the hardest to recognize. You can know someone by their name for years and not know who they really are. Would you agree?
There is a difference between who we are and how we want to be recognized. Some would want to be seen as the happy go lucky despite struggling in the inside from pressure. Some would want to be seen as the successful one even though they have been slacking off the whole time. In college, some attend to non-academics activities because they want to find a life outside of the syllabus. There are a lot more stories that could be similar to these but my question is, how do you know you’re seeing the person in front of you in the way they want to be seen, in the way they want to be recognized? Would you easily acknowledge them? For what they show and they say they are? Or would you look at them a little longer and see what their smiles tell you?
Personally, I think that people will show you what they want to show you. And it’s easier to accept how they choose to appear in front of us if we don’t know much about them.
It’s not on how long but how deep the friendship has been.
I have only heard it a couple of times, that some days you’ll just wake up and want to cry. Today’s the first for me. Maybe a part of it is because of the weather; the cold wind could be bringing such weird emotions. I have been frustrated the past months about academics, with all the pressure that’s surfacing around the air. I got over it, or so I thought, during the holidays. I was able to take a step back and just relax for a while. During those times I was able to reflect of what I’ve been doing lately, both in the academics and my involvements in school. Having listed in my head those realizations, I have found things I am proud of, while there are some that I just need to move on from. That was my thought a month ago, before school started the second semester.
Now I am here, back to step 1. Confronting my down sides and enumerating my faults. I didn’t know I could be so frustrating. I woke up this morning and just felt like I needed to cry. I attended my only class for the day and we were dismissed an hour earlier. I found the chance to quickly run the errands for the activity we’re holding for tomorrow. I was still feeling down so I just decided to attend the 12 noon mass in our school chapel, and also because I have the time anyway. It’s funny because every time I go there, I always have these questions to ask to Him. I had 10 minutes before the mass started so I wrote them, my questions. About everything I wanted an answer with. Then the mass started. I stopped writing and just listened, in hopes of hearing what I need to hear, whatever it may be. And in some ways, I guess I’ve got an answer.
Maybe He made it possible that I had an early off from class just so I could attend the mass and hear the words that I need to understand. Today I was reminded of the things I have already learned before but forgotten, all because I’m being so hard on myself. The thing about our frustrations in life is that we are the only answer to it. We are the only ones capable to cure ourselves. I wouldn’t say it’s easy. I wouldn’t say there’s fast way to it. But, we are and our will to change our perspective are the answer.
There are lot of things I am looking forward to this 2017; one of those is completing my degree, aka probably the turning point of my life.
This year, I am set to graduate by early June. Although before that happens, I have to cap off my feasibility study, Certification Review and 15 more units of classes. Along the way, I’m probably facing a few or so mental breakdowns but I am pretty sure it’s worth it. While I have faced so much emotional and physical strains from all the past requirements, I have gained more than what I lost.
I am one of those 20 year olds who aren’t sure where they’re going or what they’re going to do after college but, still, I hope I get the diploma. It’s risky and scary to get out of the place that became home to you. After all the years you’ve been there, stayed there for all the good and the bad, with all the professors and random classmates, it’s become a place of comfort.
School in general has played a great role in shaping me to become the person I am today. While there are a lot of other factors that contribute to that, I should point out that school is where I met a lot of people, who in a way or more have brought the best out of me. It’s where I was opened to what kind of society I was living in and shall try to survive. It’s prepared me for the real deal that I have yet to make in the next chapters of my life. In it, I was young yet capable to become more and more. In it, I was raw but also a work in progress.
In 2017, I am hoping that all the things I have learned and gone through the past years will pay off.